Midwinter Graces - Tori Amos

They say that when the baby Jesus was born, he didn’t let out a bawl or a whimper. The Lord’s arrival clearly wasn’t serenaded with a Tori Amos Christmas record. If only the Wise Men had had the foresight to forget the gold and bring this instead.

On Midwinter Graces, we get a scattering of bizarre originals and a series of bastardised carols, not least ‘Pink And Glitter’, ripe with the traumatic memories of an auntie getting too frisky under the mistletoe. When the Amos compositions aren’t immediately forgettable, they’re congealed like bad eggnog.

To highlight the licence taken on the carols: Tori’s take on ‘Silent Night’ sounds just about seedy enough to make the seasonal playlist of a strip club. In order to maintain neutrality, I’ll state that it’s not all useless: ‘Candle: Coventry Choir’ is an ugly mess of a cover, but it did helpfully remind me to buy some candles in case of a power cut.

More sincerely, credit to her for not rehashing well-worn classics and testing conventions with her re-imaginings.

With jesting scorn momentarily aside, the album is unhinged by a serious difficulty: it hazardously avoids all three elements which lead to an enjoyable Yuletide album. It isn’t endowed with the propensity for fun that you get from a drunken ol’ Bob Dylan cawing jingles through a roguish grin, any incandescent festive warmth you’d find on a scratchy Bing Crosby record, or some degree of spirituality the best choral renditions may evoke. That crux means the album is susceptible to the inherent danger associated with a holiday album - direct competition with the products of other musicians.

However specific the usual styling of an artist or band may be, they’re all tackling the same territory to vie for a share of the Nativity cash cow, rather than appealing to a broader range of niche markets. Ultimately, Tori’s fault is that her record falls flat at the feet of rivals, even during a period when Sting is singing about soul cakes.

So I’m struggling to think why Amos made this album. Sure, she’s probably just chasing sales to put a fatter turkey on the table over the holidays. But maybe it’s a case of idle thumbs and Midwinter Graces is actually the Devil’s most insidious assault on the joys of Christmas to date.

Dylan Williams

Olivia Newton John - Christmas Wish

Has Olivia Newton John managed to churn out yet another appalling generic Christmas release to add to January’s bargain bucket? In all honesty, yes; listening to Christmas Wish is like being given leprosy by Santa instead of that camera you asked for. You know you’re on to a winner when all you have to look forward to is a duet with Barry Manilow, nauseatingly titled ‘Gift of Love’. ‘Christmas On The Radio’ helps the package reach new lows of lyrical tediousness. The running order is also mind-numbingly unfortunate, offering a torturous instrumental interlude after every song. It must have been testing to produce twenty two tracks that sound like Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’, but by God they managed it The only thing remotely pleasing about this album is that it heralds the imminence of Christmas, and imagining Newton John and Tori Amos competing to see how could look waxier than an advent candle on their respective covers.

Amy Zachariah

Helen Llewelyn Product 19 - Christmas Blues EP

When a young John Peel was still John Ravenscroft, his original intention was to be known as ‘Helen Llewelyn Product 19’. It seems fitting then, that a small independent label founded by a self-confessed group of ‘obsessive’ music fans should lovingly adopt this bizarre moniker.

The MIDI keyboard soul of Filipino Dream Girls and gentle acoustic musings of Brighton songstress Mertle feature on this charming festive offering, a ramshackle concoction of triumphantly anti-Christmas pop tunes, complete with an abundance of ironic sleigh bells. Lost Boy Scout’s rant of ‘Bring Me the Head of the Man in Red’ captures this ethos perfectly as the musical equivalent of a stubborn child’s whinging about not getting everything on ‘their list’. I challenge anyone to find another Christmas song that threatens a certain Saint Nicholas with a ‘bazooka in his belly’.

Jon Bauckham

Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Have Yourself A Meaty Little Christmas

To say that this is the most significant contribution to the institution of recorded popular music of our lifetime is no overstatement. An album of this cultural magnitude could surely have only been birthed in response to the arrival of our lord and saviour. Praise Jesus for the greatest gift he has given unto us – a milkshake, a packet of fries and a ball of meat. Meet Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Have yourself a meaty little christmas distils two millennia of festive folklore and songcraft into thirty five cohesive minutes of audio revelation for the whole family. It is deeply shocking to discover from a glance over the liner notes that no angels were present in the construction of this masterpiece.

No christmas album is complete without 'Santa Left A Booger In My Stocking', and the rendition featured here with guest vocalist Neko Case brings unprecedented depth and layers of meaning to the old standard. Where did the booger really come from? Those of a fragile disposition are not advised to enquire.

Master Shake's decision to eschew the traditional orchestration of 'Jingle Bells Deep' has left him exposed to an extent that would see a lesser artist crumble. Over a humble backing in the tradition of Microsoft's Songsmith, the giant cup's delivery brings naked honesty to the ever-sage “Jingle BALLS / Where's that lyrics sheet? / Take that sled through the snow / And hit your grandma in the face”. Casual listening is simply off the cards.

Offering respite from the epiphanic splendour which risks fatiguing the listener is a welcome cameo from everyone's favourite cardboard black power activist, Boxy Brown. Waxing lyrical on Jesus' ethnicity, it all boils down to the old adage - “crackers like to crack”. The profundity of wordplay present is surely beyond the grasp of even HRH Joe Pasquale.

Naturally, a record of this beauty escapes critical acclaim. Criminally absent from any respectable publication's retrospective coverage, this will inevitably be destined to underground notoriety until it attains the recognition it truly deserves. Never before have dick and fart jokes been so celestial.

Matt Grimble

Daniel Johnston - Trinity Centre, Nov 8th 2009

In total contrast to the flowing cleanliness of support Laura Marling, when Daniel Johnston first takes to the stage with just his guitar and a book of lyrics, it’s an entirely unrhythmic affair. Having lost much of his musical ability due to his battles with manic depression and obesity, every minute spent onstage is a battle for him. As if to confirm Johnston’s cult status, one fan even escaped from a Bristol hospital, ticketless and on crutches on the off-chance he could get in. (He did.)

After a few songs, Johnston’s joined onstage by an old college friend who takes over guitar-playing duties, allowing the crowd to appreciate Johnston’s best asset, his timeless, sensitive and simple songwriting, made even more transfixing with his quivering voice and shy delivery.

After a short break, Johnston returned to the stage with support band The Wave Pictures as accompaniment. Consisting of the lo-fi gems that made him famous, a healthy dose of Beatles covers, and new material, the set was brought to life with a band and audience that felt honoured to be there, ending with a sublime take on the quintessential Daniel Johnston song, ‘True Love Will Find You In The End,’ after which a beaming, tearful audience rushed to hug their idol.

Tom Holcroft

Infinite Light in the ever darkening evenings

Lightning Dust wrote their first songs for Christmas presents. Leah Pritchard meets member Josh Wells.

Aside from Nat King Cole or Santa Claus himself, there are very few people who it is more appropriate to interview at Christmas than Lightning Dust's Josh Wells. Consisting of Wells and fellow Black Mountain member Amber Webber, this is a band who realised their potential outside Vancouver's classic rock revivalists when they recorded a six-song EP together to give to family and friends as Christmas presents. Their second album, Infinite Light, evokes the wintry nostalgia we so often crave during the holiday season, without the contrived feeling of faux-religious sentiment.

"I usually can't stand Christmas music. If you can bring a new sentiment to the holiday season, whatever it is – Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa – then that's cool."

Wells has been touring for close to fourteen years - ever since he was old enough to leave home - and Lightning Dust have just finished a tour of the US and Canada with fellow folk musicians The Cave Singers.

"We get along really well, this was a really smooth tour for us. We had time to eat some good regional food and go gambling. Go to some swimming holes and hot springs."

Joining the band on tour were Amber's sister Ashley on bass and harmonies and Ryan Peters of Ladyhawk on drums and guitar. "Our first album was comprised mostly of songs that could be performed as a duo. We got a little bit more ambitious and it seemed like it was a good thing to orchestrate them. We started with the foundation and then built just to where we thought it was enough for the song."

Wells is no stranger to performing with other musicians, being a member of the Black Mountain Army, which comprises a huge number of musicians, artists and friends in Vancouver. "We're very isolated from the rest of Canada. We wanted to celebrate all the people around us who have been doing such great work for years and years and years and this was our little way of paying tribute to them. Canada's a large country geographically so there's a lot of separation between the cities. Broken Social Scene have their own thing going in Toronto, they seem like cool people."

With their latest album, the band has been receiving a lot more attention as an important project in its own right, instead of just an offshoot of this collective. "There are people coming out who aren't fans of Black Mountain and who discovered us first. It's kinda cool that way." Amongst these fans is former Sleater-Kinney guitarist and NPR music blogger, Carrie Brownstein, who recently filmed an interview with the band which only saw the light as part of an elaborate apology video. "She came to our show in New York and she had an idea for an interview and it... well, it didn't really work out. We definitely have no regrets! The editing is great, the video is hilarious."

Christmas in the heart, the wallet and ears

As Bob Dylan releases Christmas In The Heart, Leah Pritchard looks at other less traditional takes on the genre

With each year that passes, it becomes harder and harder to distinguish between Bob Dylan's rasp and that of say, Tom Waits or Louis Armstrong. And so it seems only natural that he lend this to an album full of Christmas classics such as 'Winter Wonderland' and 'Little Drummer Boy'. In fact, knowing Dylan and his chameleon-like personality, it would have been a downright waste not to record this album at this point, as he'll probably be singing with the buttery smooth stylings of Jeff Buckley come next year.

Unlike other periods in Dylan's history, such as the moment he went electric on 'Bringing It All Back Home' or his born-again Christian years with 'Saved' and 'Shot of Love', this is not an album which needs context in order to be appreciated. This album would sit more happily on the Christmas music shelf at Sainsbury's than amongst the majority of Dylan's discography. That's not to say it belongs in a place where the most artistic creation on show is the latest chronicle of Katie Price's biography, just that this is most certainly a Christmas album, and does not necessarily bring anything new to the immense palette Dylan has presented us with over the years.

With the American tradition rooted so heavily in religion, it's no surprise that so many folk musicians have taken on some of the season's classic songs. Bright Eyes' Conor Oberst, an atheist who references Christianity a lot in his music, released 'A Christmas Album' back in 2002. "I went to a Catholic school, that kind of thing, so that was my childhood for sure. And not that I’m an expert on all these religions, but all the other major religions just fall a little flat in their narrowmindedness. I feel like there’s something much more basic than what all these people are worried about. And dogma and all that stuff, to me it’s anti- whatever I would consider god-like. Which is, I think, a connectedness and an all-encompassing sort of love for things." Oberst's beliefs are evident on the album which - whilst remaining reasonably true to the originals - exists for those who wish to participate in the Christmas traditions our modern culture insists are necessary, without having to listen to any Wham! songs. "You'll be doing alright with your Christmas of white, but I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas."

And then there's Sufjan Stevens, a deeply religious anti-consumerist, who admits, "Sometimes, I don't even celebrate Christmas." Stevens began experimenting with Christmas songs in 2001 and has released eight EPs to date. "It's a sacred form and yet it's also incredibly annoying and profane because it's the soundtrack in shopping malls across the country." Amongst 'O Holy Night', and 'Jingle Bells', Stevens has original songs like 'Did I Make You Cry on Christmas Day? (Well, You Deserved It!)' ("Did I make you cry, like every other day?") and 'That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!', which put a refreshing spin on a subject which is so often assumed to be synonymous with goodwill and compassion, "Our Father yells, throwing the gifts in the wood stove, wood stove."

Whilst Dylan's intentions might not be as true as Oberst or Stevens' - the subject of this album being a tenuous link to its main purpose of raising money for Feeding America - if you buy into the shopping mall/Hollywood soundtrack version of this "celebration of mankind" we like to call Christmas, this album will easily receive some heavy rotation come Christmas day.